O wretched man 

There are those days
when shadows of
my lesser self
obstruct the light,
and in my groping,
Nephi’s words
reflect my plight:
“O wretched man … I am!”
With him I grieve,
and sorrow
over frailties
that haunt my
conscious mind
and tempt with
hopelessness
relief
I seek to find.

Yet there is One
whose light
will never fail,
whose mercy
makes a way
for my escape.
He opens up the gates.
His love can make me whole!
And with Nephi
I rejoice
and plead,
“O Lord, …
redeem my soul”!

-Phyllis Baker White

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Lies of the heart

I’ve always lived in judgment of those who when faced with blatant truths about those they love fail to act rationally. That is until I found myself unable to comprehend the truth that I had uncovered…

What I know now that I could never understand before is that the heart can turn facts into speculation. Once you’re over the intial shock, the very thing you bore witness to starts to feel like a dream. The details etched into your memory suddenly seem questionable and somehow you convince yourself that you must be mistaken – the only thing that makes sense is that you misread things. But the truth is when someone you love “falls from grace” you “fall from sense”. Simple logic eludes you. It’s just easier to believe that you are wrong than it is to accept the undesirable truth. Because accepting the truth means confronting the situation and that is unfathomable. 

I am dumbfounded…stuporous. And even though I am well aware of my denial I am still paralyzed. It doesn’t change the fact that I want to be wrong; the heart wants what it wants. And with each passing moment the truth is reduced to a misconception.