Torn

When you leave, I don’t want you to go.
But when you’re here, I ask myself why I stay.
I wish we made better sense.

– Mamello Maitse

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Lost

I think I’m lost…
Lost in a place that feels like home, but really isn’t. A place full of warmth, laughter and moments of happiness. A place where my heart remembered how to breathe.
But this same place holds memories of a time when I was different, younger, broken. A time when I fought to wake up and find myself.

I’m not that person anymore; but why am I still here? I walked into this place with eyes wide open and now I don’t know if I have the courage to leave. Not because I’m losing myself again, but because my heart breathes here.

– Mamello Maitse

Walking away

I have ended things…
Walked away from people more times than I can count.
But never have I felt that I was walking away from LOVE, until you.
Yet, it still feels like the right thing to do.
And so I can’t look back…
My heart won’t stand a chance if I do.

– Mamello Maitse

Soul mates

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

– Elizabeth Gilbert

Lies of the heart

I’ve always lived in judgment of those who when faced with blatant truths about those they love fail to act rationally. That is until I found myself unable to comprehend the truth that I had uncovered…

What I know now that I could never understand before is that the heart can turn facts into speculation. Once you’re over the intial shock, the very thing you bore witness to starts to feel like a dream. The details etched into your memory suddenly seem questionable and somehow you convince yourself that you must be mistaken – the only thing that makes sense is that you misread things. But the truth is when someone you love “falls from grace” you “fall from sense”. Simple logic eludes you. It’s just easier to believe that you are wrong than it is to accept the undesirable truth. Because accepting the truth means confronting the situation and that is unfathomable. 

I am dumbfounded…stuporous. And even though I am well aware of my denial I am still paralyzed. It doesn’t change the fact that I want to be wrong; the heart wants what it wants. And with each passing moment the truth is reduced to a misconception.